im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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