guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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