How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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