Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
