I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
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