dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
