just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Randomize
