My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize