Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
