I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
