Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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