apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
