I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I want her autograph on my taint
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
