how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
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