he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
