it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
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