I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
