I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
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