you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
