You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
