Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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