i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
