The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
