I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize