I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
