I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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