im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
