And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Oh god it's open bar.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
