My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
