It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
