I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
