Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
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