i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
