i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Randomize
