She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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