Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
