His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
