I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Randomize
