How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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