She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
