So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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