I love having hate sex.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
