I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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