I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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