my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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