jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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