The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
