he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
