peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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