She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
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