Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
