she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Randomize
