he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize