I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
