I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Boobs are out for the taking
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
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