Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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