Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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