life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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